Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I am here!

http://everythingisgoingtobeallright2.blogspot.com/  I am moving on...too!

Dang it!!

Just got the email regarding AOL journals!!!  I have over four years of journal to figure out how to save...a fitting end to a very, very crappy day...

The babies are coming!  Jeremy is renting the house next door to me...officially...and he's taking my stepson, Jim who's been here for nearly 2 years with him!!

The youngest, Dale after many threats and weeks went to Target this morning to apply for a stocking job...with Liz as his reference he is pretty sure he will be employed by weeks end.  He feels this job is beneath him as he is used to well paying construction jobs...but with the current economy his older brothers may be joining him. ;)

Mrs H is in the nursing home, healing, having us still work for her, and demanding to be sent home.  Guess I was wrong, she's feisty as ever and wants to keep on hanging around this earth for a while.  She often tells me St Peter asks God if it's time for her to come to Heaven...He says not yet!

Hubby's 35th reunion Friday evening get together. 

Fun, but Saturday's picnic was better...less alcohol by some...Here's some comments...D says, "I don't remember you, who were you?" to me...and " I had such a crush on Mark during junior high"   By the end of it all as with all things age is the great equalizer.  People I thought were snobs are now down to earth, others are trying too hard to look either young or older than their years.  Otherwise it was a great time.

Another busy work week...but busy is good...especially with 3 school days off in October...God I love my job!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

mrs. h

I can't figure out why this underlined ... It won't undo...::sigh:::

I am sitting here trying to phrase what I want to say...perhaps it's sadness, perhaps frustration, I got word yesterday from my friend J that Mrs H, whom we both work for took a fall and broke her arm.  J and I went to
see her last evening at the hospital and she seems resigned to the fact that this was inevitable.  The fateful day had come when she would no longer be able to live in her apartment.  A nursing home was in her future.  I feel such great sadness not only for those of us girls whom have become her dear friends but for her.  Hiring us was her last grasp of independence.  Now she will have to go into full time care.  She is a woman who has always been independent, a fair yet sometimes stern employer, but always with a sense of humor or a kind word upon my departure each work day. 
Maybe it's us who has to accept it.  Working for her was never about the money.  It was about sharing a friendship with an elder who showed me that getting older was not so bad, that the road ahead was bumpy, but I'd be ok.  Her way was always, always be true to yourself, work hard, don't use dope (a person will sell their mother's eyeballs for dope, her mother used to tell her), and stay happy.  It's hard to be happy today.  My friend is fading away and there is nothing I can do, but understand that this is life.  Her life, Mrs H's way.  She seemed relieved...so for her I will be too.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

I am now allowed on facebook!!!

Between cleaning my house, listening to my husband freak out about his job via the nextel (he does this once a month, freak out that is), I have been on and off the computer.  I wanted some updated photos of my daughter so I tried to go onto her facebook, BUT I have to be invited...she told me I could be her friend and swipe picture just as long as I do NOT read anything she writes.  Ho hum, she's nearly 20, I really do not care what she writes about anymore...it's her business.

anywho...here's some pictures of the girl past and present...

show chorus Junior year...Liz is front left...

can't make this picture any bigger, but it's me, Liz and her girlfriend Monika, at Jeremy and Tracey's wedding...which was March 2004.

My girl now and her boyfriend Mike...the new Mike.  She and the old Mike still speak...which to me is an amazing thing, civilly.  I could never do that...I was always the vengeful type...I have the utmost respect for my kid.  My children are my best gift to this world.




I have never figured out how to put links on a journal tied to a picture so the above link is for a group called Soldiers' Angels.  This organization was recommended to me a while ago. I adopted a soldier and truly  feel the need to get the word out.  The other day I was sent a couple of emails from the group for the need for more people to adopt our soldiers.  When the political parties started bad mouthing the President for the war I knew I had to take some sort of action.  The war is a reality, agree or not, our men and women are still there fighting for our freedom.  It was the least I could do to help out.  It's not a big thing...a few cards a month...a care package here and there.  There's even an online store with prepackaged items that all you do is order & click your payment and off it goes.  Easy enough.  I was thrilled when I got an email AND a card of thanks from my soldier.  If you know a group such as a church, youth, scouts or such that would be willing to make this commitment just go to the link or go there yourself.  You will never regret it.

I try and remember that life is a process when I get bogged down by the daily ups and downs of life.  This week I have worked to at a least 6:30 every evening.  Mark worked the post office route again, a split shift ending at after 8 PM.  I am the type that can take a lot of stress, this week when I felt stressed out I took a walk...or took a nap.  The beauty of my job is I can take catnaps during layovers.  It's amazing how comfy a bus seat can be.  Or a walk in the neighborhood during sports trips.  Driving children in this crazy fast paced world is very stressful.  Especially since the honeymoon period is over and a couple of my kids on all of my routes are starting to push my rules.  The high school route only  one kid and he's easy enough to get into line.  The junior high route is a long a couple of busy highways with two stops that at least one car goes by my stop arm while my student is getting off the bus.  One crazy lady even tried to pass 2 cars behind me to pass on the right side.  The poor shocked kid could only scream STOP you stupid lady.  She did and from now on I move over as far as I can on the large shoulder.  People are nuts, they are getting to be more careless on the road too.  My grade school route is large from an upper middle class neighborhood, but they are very in to making the adults happy so they are easy to manage.

As for the stepson...things are getting worse, as a couple we have decided to see my favorite therapist to discuss an action plan.  I think the kid needs to be put out.  His actions are still out of control.  Mark thinks keeping the kid busy will help, but the kid is so used to conning that it's become a habit.  I think he should go to rehab, as he uses alcohol as an escape.  We shall see what my friend says.

Today is a day off, except for my evening of work with Mrs. H.  Tomorrow is going to be a gorgeous day and we have motorcycle fundraiser to go to.  We went last year.  It's for ovarian cancer research on behalf of a friend who died from the disease.  She started something special a few years ago and her husband has kept it going.

Now I need to attend to the dust in my living room...



Tuesday, September 16, 2008


We cannot choose our external circumstances, but we can always choose how we respond to them.

~ Epictetus Quotes from The Enchiridion


Thank you Mary for your entry.  Thanks for reading people & commenting.  More than anything I enjoy meeting new people. I started my journal back in 2004.  Anybody who thinks I have it together should read some of my old entries.  I was one scared girl...so much was happening back then...and I was full of fear. But over the years things have worked out.  I just did what I was taught, give up the power, do the next right thing and push forward.  Oh and work, my husband & I have worked our butts off to clean up the mess of our circumstances.  

I could have looked at things from the point of view of a victim..."these bad things happened to us...wah!"  But in reality stuff happens to everybody.  Death, job loss, divorce, kids getting arrested, crappy ex's...happens everyday to everybody.  I have found that it's all in how you look at things.  Every thing that I thought was a bad thing has always been used in my life.  And often things I used to think I wanted in life, even begged God for turned out to be not so good for me.  A job my husband really wanted ended up going out of business.  For years I wanted my stepson to move in with us, but ha ha he's here and 21 and it's not so fun...but he's here and now what am going to do about it?  Baby him like his mom?  no...he did come home, had a million excuses...I simply told him that I was sick of him using us...that nudged him into some sort of thought...we shall see how far.  He did mow the lawn today unasked...no he needs to go look for a job...I don't need a handy man.

Now the grand babies...they came for a visit yesterday.  Dayton kept looking at me with his baby blues pointing at me and saying "grandma..."  batting his little eyes in a way only a two year old could do...Now...my stepson wants to rent the house next door...like I said be careful what you wish for.  But I'll be baby heaven!

I knew things would change...they always do, better or worse, good or bad life always has it's surprises....& I am glad I am around to experience them!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

rain rain go away...

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else - you are the one who gets burned."
- The Buddha


Rain, rain and more rain...with or without Ike we have had steady rain for 3 days and nights.  Not as bad as 1995 when roads were impassible, but worse than last summer when the park next to the river was floated (flooded) as Jacob called it.   The rain gauge at Mrs. H apartment complex spilled over at 5 inches...

Things concerning our children are going downhill...haven't seen the grand kids, but once in weeks, the two little guys came over with their dad for a little bit...Dayton cried when they had to go, other grandma intercepts them before I can...my youngest stepson got his cast off (he cut his tendons 5 weeks ago right before he came here) Friday, he left on the train to go back to where he used to live (ex girl <who put him in jail> friend's house ??)saying he was going to a friends and hasn't been heard from since.  Funny thing girlfriend hasn't called her normal 10 times a day...The weather has prevented Mark from working construction for 3 weeks.

BUT...what goes down MUST come up...I always always try and find the silver lining even in a downpour...the kids always need dependable Grandma Roses (as Dayton calls me), my stepson will do what he does until he gets sick of it or has to go back to jail...and there is plenty of work hauling mail for Mark...PLUS...I have sports trips every day after work...overtime...more than makes up for the losses...God provides, even in the midst of the storm.

And I finally made it to church today...did somebody call the minister and tell him I was coming?...because he sure was talking to me this morning...

Despite it all I am at = ) ! 

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Ike comes to Illinois

The rain started Thursday night and hasn't stopped yet.  They (the weather) says it's not even the worst yet...Ike will be heading up here tomorrow.  Northern Illinois already has 9 inches of rain. 

The two local high school teams played each other last night...the cross town challenge it's called.  Besides team buses, equipment buses, cheerleaders, student fans, cheerleaders, along with fans bused to another school because of limited parking.  I drove one of the four band buses...stood in the rain for an hour and watched the game until we sought refuge on one of our buses.  My school easily won.   My bus was saved the mud of the team as I had the drum section of the band and all they were was wet, happy and singing the 5 miles back to their own school. 

Today is more rain, and working with Mrs. H...

Thursday, September 11, 2008

finding recovery...

I was asked by a j-land friend to write about my recovery. My recovery ... something that is so part of me that I really don't think about it much as that...recovery. It's basically my life now, a way of living that I don't think I could change now even if I tried. The word recovery implies that some thing needs to be found or re found...for me it was finding me. I have always been a seeker...attention, my parents, friends, God, the unknown,...then men. But the loner in me pushed people away, or I clung to them. Growing up I was the spoiled, never wanting to go to school type, then one day age 12, I demanded my parents put me in private school or else...we moved. I was powerful...but the twist was I loved my new school, 8th grade was wonderful, I had friends, but still felt out of place. I lost 40 pounds of baby fat in high school, got good grades, was involved in school, drama club, pep club, I had a boyfriend my junior year, a tall boy who was two years younger than me. I wanted to be perfect, but felt like a freak...then I graduated, the boy moved, I got a job and went to junior college, then a friend took me to a bar...I met alcohol...I never ever was the same....

Alcohol was my friend, my best friend...after a few drinks I was no longer shy, quiet out of place...I was powerful...I never drank like a normal person. I got married on a dare, had two children because his mother told me to...then my world feel apart when my then husband accused me of cheating, (which was all in his head, I never cheated)...at some point during this time I crossed the imaginary line that all people who abuse substances crosses...the line where we lose the power of choice. I no longer could choose what would happen if I drank. There was no moderation. I divorced, moved into my parents home, had another child, crashed two cars, had a couple of very sad relationships and then the revolving door of recovery begun. It took over 4 years to finally stay stopped, I tried everything...self help books, church, prayer groups, yoga, meditation, 12 step programs, in and outpatient treatment, diet, exercise, moderation...I tried it all. In the end it came down to this...humbling myself and surrendering to something bigger than myself (for me God). I had no power...I needed help. Fortunately I got it, I took direction from sober people and thankfully after over 20 years I no longer use alcohol. I have the life I always wanted. Anything worth having takes time...and work....something I gladly do to keep the life I have...freedom ... what I have I freely give away...