Saturday, July 31, 2004

Yeah the weekend

Just a quicky note..I wonder if I can do you all probably guessed I am a talker!!HEE.  We went to the Kendall county fair last night.  That area of these parts is still very old fashion.  AND this fair was no exception.  4-H, blue ribbions, pigs, chickens, cows, sheep, tractor pulls...I tried to have an attitude about the whole tractor pull thing because when Mark invited me to this fair I really didn't want to do "guy" things, which we usually end up having to do (he's a race car nut).  I actually enjoyed go figure.  Plus the added benefit was that Jeremy and Tracy brought little Jacob.  He's so cute!  And dispite my fears he really is a good little guy.  Not too spoiled at all.  He loved the trucks and was clapping and trying to run around.  Anyway, it was a good night and I had fun.  Gee maybe God will finally teach me to stop being soooo judgemental!!!  Ok I am off got errands and we are going to the camper it's gonna be hot this weekend and I want to take advantage of the Lake.  Have a great weekend rose

Thursday, July 29, 2004

Here's my flag for dear old Illinois.  Last night I took a nice long walk in my neighborhood and everytime I do this I realize what a great little town I live in.  My town used to be a little farm community when I moved here in 1972 as a young girl.  I've watched my little town grow from a little hick town  where everybody knew each other to a big hick town, where everybody tries to know everybody, but ususally doesn't.  Or maybe it's because I live in the old part of town now (been her for 10 years) that I still know all the old timers.  My local gas station still take checks, our business has a fuel account there on a hand check and our word.  The local mentally handicap guy stocks pop, everybody knows Micky and I can go down to the post office and see at least 3 people that I know.  I can venture out  of downtown a mile and shop at the large chain stores or get a meal at one of the top ten more popular restaurants.  Fact is though, my favorite health food store is going out of business, and the local drug store is now a bike shop, owner got old and had a too good of an offer from the new Walgreens.  I guess I have the best of the old and new...I guess I have my cake and can eat it too.  Mark  and I attended the high school here back in the 70's he's 2 years older, but we  know the same people, we have history.  I think that is one of the reasons we clicked so quickly.  We were brought up in a time where family values meant sticking together no matter what.  I am glad of that, times can get difficult, especially for someone like me who tends to think too much, worry too much...but I am getting better, God has worked His magic on me.  I feel like I did when I was younger, more confident, more free, prayer and trusting God to take care of my life is truly freeing.  Faith is an awesome thing...I am glad I had to go through what I did to get here...I have meet so many great people along the way...and I am still growing!  Anyway, I love my life right now, I love where I live right now and I am satisfied to be me right now...growth happens everyday, but today I am content to trust God that I am right where I need to be today...Love you all.  Get out and smell the ziennas are BEAUTIFUL! ++++my front yard is awesome!  The weather here in Illinois has been perfect for perennials and mine are filling so awesome.  I am filled with pride when I can peek out my window and see people admiring my "babies".  Gotta get a camera & share my joy.  love rose

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Round 2

Man oh man what a difference a few hours can you ever wonder about mankind??  I have over the past 1 1/2 years worked on and off on a home based business that I try and mainly do over the internet.  It's a directing marketing health and wellness company and I am in love  their products as I have always tried to live healthy.  Anyway, beside the point what gets me is that people ask for more info about working from home and they get ticked off when you try to give it to them.  I went to a meeting in Chicago a few weeks back and listened to a very successful couple speak and they said that our biggest obstacle is fear...people fear going outside the box.  They fear change.  I am finding that to be true.  Most people do not even consider doing anything different than what they do on a daily basis...that is get up, eat their bagel, have their starbucks, dump the kid's in day care and go to the 9 to 5, leave work, pick up Mickey D's and head home for some quality time with the family... It reminds me of sheep...let's all follow each other, be the same and do what's safe.  I guess I just needed to blow off steam.  I just need to get over being yelled at by 2 different woman that thought what I had to say to them would some how hurt them.  Ok I feel better...I really need to blow off that steam or I would let affect how I talked to others...and I really don't want to take out my frustration on some innocent person.  Oh well, I should be used to this, when I was doing phone calling for a charity I used to get yelled at too.  I need to try and not take it personally, after all...I know I am doing what I believe and I need to be respectful of what others are doing and living even if I don't and let live...ok bye I feel better.


Yippeeee!  Eric came home from work yesterday and told me he got the transfer to the other Menard's store.  He is presently working in the warehouse and when he goes back to school he  wants to work closer to his apartment and the Junior college.  I am so happy because I feel like some of the things I 've tried to teach him are working!  I tried to teach these kids that when you make a mistake or fall down, you brush yourself off and get moving...ACTION!  So his failing the BIG college happened oh well ... now learn from it.  It's been quite a battle with his real dad, his stepmom and my hubby, but I was lucky, I got divorced during the "olden" days when moms where given sole custody, so while I still consider my ex's opinion, my influence tends to win out.  They all thought Eric shouldn't buy a new car (older dependable cars are not cheap either), or move out (he should live at home and go to Junior college here, how??without a car??) and he should take 3 classes.  I thought he should take only 1 you know prove he can pass a class?  But the point was made that he needed to take more to actually get done with school in a timely manner.  So I guess in the big mess of opinions we all compromised and basically left it up to Eric as it should be. The kid's almost 20 and although we are helping him, he is the one that has to learn the life lesson.  God forbid the kid end up like his parents, get married to someone he doesn't like have some kids, get divorced and move back in with his parents...glad my kids see the mistakes their parents have made and try to be different...Thank you God for that!  But if that does happen to one of the 8, and if your a betting man...somebody getting divorced is a fair bet, but we all will deal that if and when that happens.  Gotta be positive!

Ok I am also happy because the sun is out and I am simply glad to be alive...pretty 3 of hubby's back ache, these back twisty things ususally last a week and then he's all good again.  Bought him some Midol today that stuff works on cramps and it alway works on his back...wish I would have thought of that sooner, saved some whining. 

I am off...gotta make good use of this energy...Love rose


Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Hey, been thinking about how people's lives effect each other and how and why we do the things we do...I know it's sounds deep, but hey...been thinking about that whole nature/nurture thing.  Hubby came home with a back ache last night.  He has a bad habit of doing this pretty regularly, it's always something every few months, sudden headache, back ache, etc.  Nice thing is he never misses work, just comes home to share his pain with me.  His kids do the same thing, reminds me when I was little I always had a stomach ache, would refuse to go to school, parents took me to all kinds of doctors, figured it was all in my head, which was true, I wanted attention, mom was 17 when she had me and then proceed to bring home 3 more babies in 4 years.  Boy was I mad!  I guess the point is my hubby and his boys have always used their pains and illnesses to get attention, from hubby's ex.  She is a rather cold woman and she presently is showering all her attention a 1 year old grandbaby.  My stepson made his anger perfectly clear this weekend that he was jealous of the attention baby boy gets, come to think of that's probably why is spending so much time at her house...ah makes sense some sort of  attention thing.  I grew out of the sickly stage, when I moved out of parents house with the 3 kids to be truly on my own.  I was a single mom and working, had to be well to support my little ones.  Which brings me to the point, how much of who we are is born into us and how much do we control?  Also, I was watching this show last night that was about "genius donor pools" in other words these people went to a sperm bank that was supposedly stocked with a supply of really smart people genes.  They showed how these people wanted to meet the "real" fathers of their kids.  Big mistake of course these guys didn't want to be found.  Come to find out one guy fathered two of the kids from different families, both kids pretty smart.  Which brings me to much of their believe that this guy was a genius affected how much they expected from these two boys both tested high in school, were placed in academically talented classes, the oldest followed through and went on to a big 10 school and is doing very well, 2nd son, got kicked out of AT classes, because he saw all the pressure their dad was putting on his brother...then he "thought" he had to go away to school and proceeded to fail...hmmmm.  my daughter is the "smartest" one of all she sees what her brothers have been through and is picking the "normal" route, doing well in classes, but sets goals that she is comfortable with.  So far so good.  Well enough mental mind games for one day...I still believe that you do have choices in life, but sometimes you just can't fight who you were born to's like the AA program, there is a step about character defects...I know I have these characteristics that make me who I am...I try and try to change, but lately I have come to accept who I am and try to do better, try to use my character for good not evil.  It's all we can do right??  Try to do the best we can...with what we have been given.  The AA program talks about change, and growth...  progress...not prefection...I guess as I approach my sobriety birthday next month I come to understand those 12 steps a little deeper, those steps are a great plan for living and I am coming to understand them a little better.Love you guys...have a beautiful day...suns shining here, prefect weather!  Make it a great day.  LOVE rose

Monday, July 26, 2004

Monday, Monday

Watching Oprah...she just gave a million dollar wedding to a couple.  They started out with 6 couples and they had to go through all kinds of questions by experts and then the audience voted for the winner.  It was pretty cool.  I started watching Oprah again when she got off her spiritual quest...don't get me wrong I like spirituality and all but she was so over the top that it turned me off.  Now she is much more interesting and I mean you still get the message that she likes to help people, she just doesn't seem like she's so awesomely spiritual.  That brings me to another point, how much money is enough money?  Movie and sports stars all are looking for ways to make Michael Jordon (We are a Chicago Bulls family)...they have so much money and these big time sports guys are always promoting so much stuff.  And these rap stars their videos are nothing but women shaking their rears...ick...I wonder when we will finally gets some morals back in this country.  I know the morals start at home, but people have so many influences on them now a wonder poor kids today are so crazy they have way more input then I did growing up...makes you wonder...

I didn't mean to get on my soap box...that was just my random thought process today...I have to get out of the house today and do some mailings I am trying some new advertising for my home biz and I have to get the information to Tim's school for the financial aide.  That kid's college education will cost more than my house when he gets done.  I just hope he finds a job worthy of him and doesn't just settle.  Speaking of settling we try and watch a church program called Lakewood Church they are based in Texas and the preacher really speaks to Mark and I...well last night it was my turn to be "spoke" to.  He talked about how God wants us to have the best and we shouldn't settle for "just good enough".  We need to strive to be the best and then we will receive the best, therefore able to help others do the same.  Just saying the words and turning off the negative thoughts will release this power from God in our lives.  I am doing this and behaving like I already have accomplished my goals...I have a very bad habit of being defeated even before I start then I do nothing.  I just settle for what is already going on in my life ...   I know I am capable of more...God will guide me...I will do the rest...

Whelp, here's to an awesome productive week...feels like fall here, but we expect 80's by the end of to all..

Saturday, July 24, 2004

Isn't life grand??

What a difference getting off your rear end makes.  Since my surrender to the Universe yesterday, I have been less obsessed with worrying and letting the old thoughts of my hubby, money, job, kids ETC occupy my head space.  I tried to have a head party last night in bed but instead I simply said to myself, "here God you've always been in charge in the past.  you take it".  It worked!  I just started telling myself a story and drifted off to sleep... I have always had a problem sleeping since I as a little girl.  I used to listen to my little red transistor radio and pretend I was a singer.  My parents answer to my lack of going to bed on time was to give me ice cream with creme de menthe liquior on wonder I turned into a drunk!  I don't blame them ... they did the best they could.  After I stopped drinking (then my cure for not sleeping was to pass out, but that has it's own problems, drunks always wake up in the middle of the night, and when it was really bad I used to just have another shot...I shutter when I think of the awful cycle I was in) I went back to the radio and my story telling in my head.  The story was always repetitive so that would always put me to sleep.  I guess I still use that method.  Or I'll just repeat a prayer that helps too.  But I dropped the radio listening, it alway interfers with my dreams and I have very crazy dreams.

Anyway, my days and nights are better.  I am feeling much happier and freer when I accomplish things, when let go and stop being so hard on myself.  They are usually small, but satisfying.  This summer is going so oldest will going back to Purdue August 13, and Eric will be going to a Junior College about a 1/2 hour away around then too.  He has an apartment (dad's paying for it) with 3 other guys.  It's been agreed that he will work and take 3 classes, hopefully he will get his act together and get some work down.  His girlfriend will be at his old college nearby and she is very bosses and a very intelligent girl so hopefully her influence will help.

Anyway, it's all up to God now.  I know we have free will, but as a parent, I know that I have to let go...My children belong to the world and God will take care of them.  As for the 2 left here, Liz will be fine, my stepson Dale?  Who knows he still thinks he can come and go between his mom's house and here.   There's a skate park there he likes to go to.  That will stop when school begins as if he doe not pass all his classes he will not graduate.  I will not have that.  But as I said God will take care of that too.

Hope all have a great each other...tell your people you love them...make somebody smile today....I love you all...rose

Friday, July 23, 2004

cross roads

              Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
  Speak your truth
quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant;
they too have their story.
  Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexations to the spirit.
  If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater
and lesser persons than yourself.
  Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble,
it's a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
  Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
    Be yourself.
Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
  Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
  Nurture strength of spirit
to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
  Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
  You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
  Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
  With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

This was sent to me by one of those uplifting email site.  The timing of these is always perfect, exactly what I need to hear at  moment.  My good email friend Barb, sent many of these ecards to me when I was at my lowest point and I have bookmarked and joined these and daily they send me messages.  I also need to thank Barb for introducing me to on line journalling.  I am meeting so many awesome people and the sharing of stuff good and bad in my head really has helped me become a little more balanced.  Anyway I feel like I am at a crossroads again in my life, been here many times in my life.  I look at a crossroad as aconscience place where I can decide to do things my way or trust God to lead me.  Most of the time I just go through life letting things happen and live with the consquences, makes life really difficult, but that way I really don't have to take much responsibility for what happens can always blame the results on somebody else. 

So today I decide to take responsiblity and ask God to help me, mold me and guide me.  I have all these ideas in my head, all these plans, all these list, all these good intentions...but I am never able to get them off the ground by own self will, will power has never worked for me.  And my own will has done very little to get me anywhere.  So on my knees I am asking God to help me, help me with my plans, help me with my life, help me with my relationships.  As I ususally do I have had to feel bad enough to become willing to ask for help from God and then have Him give me the strength to carry out His will for my life.  I am so grateful I no longer have to beat myself into submission to get to this point.  I realize that life is a process for everyone, I am so glad to be like everyone, no better or worse, just a simple human being put on this earth to dobest she can...and for that I humble,am grateful.  Thanks God for listening...signed your loving servant, Rose

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Another day ... another ... you know... doing a - ok today, everybody went to work, Tim still has a headache, but I think he just wants to go back to college, where things are "normal" to him.  It will be his last year at Purdue and boy did the time fly.  I think he is tired of working for so little pay and hopefully he will remember that when he graduates next year and goes out job hunting for real.  Mark feels better too so there less complaining over the two - way radio's from him.  We communicate throughout the day via Nextel direct connect.  Ah the beauty of this age...hit a button and you can communicate to someone miles or hundreds of miles away.  They are nice though because you actually have to listen to the other person talk, before you can...saves fights that way.  You can make comments without the other person's actually saved a lot of arguements. :) especially from 2 opinionated people like Mark and I.  I just got a call to work tomorrow.  I am going to monitor for 9 hours, nice though I can ride in a nice (hopefully air conditioned) bus and get paid driver pay.  It's been nice this summer I have worked at least 1 day a week and made a bit of extra money.  Oh boy it will August soon and then starts the training and bidding for routes.  Our school district starts late this year because of the building of new schools.  We have 2 this year, 3 next and I think a couple more after that.  Oswego is no longer a little farm town.  It's becoming a BIG city, with a Target and everything!  Hee Haw maw we're big time...No really I do miss the small town charm Oswego once was.  I have lived her since I was 12.  I still know all the locals as I live 1 block from downtown, but the farmers are selling all their land and subdivisions are popping up everywhere.  Lucky for us we live in "Old Oswego".  No rules, just normal working people with kids, best of all no competition from the "jones" we are pretty basic here.  And I love that.  At least Oswego is still very safe, little crime, helps to have a lot of police, but again I know a lot of them, from my paper route, (got stopped a lot when they were trying to figure out what I was doing driving around on the wrong side of the road at 2 am) and my bus driving job.  That's a plus I wouldn't want to have to worry about my children or myself being home alone.  Oh course crime hits everywhere, it's just not an everyday thing here.

Eric has finally called the Jr College about classes, he also called his dad and made things right.  I am proud of him.  I want the habit of not communicating with your love ones to stop at them.  They both are learning to speak out when they need to and let people know what's on their minds.  I am very proud of Eric, he has a ways to go, but hey he's only 19. 

ok enough...going to take a nice long bath then go out and see how many tomatoes I have growing out there!  I LOVE home grown tomatoes and maybe if I stare at them long enough the will turn red! :)

bye bye !

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Getting my act together

WildflowersEverybody is getting sick at my house.  Mark and I went to the trailer last night went out for a row boat ride came home and he had a headache so he laid down.  He tends to be overly dramatic when it comes to pain, so I just let him lay down and took my Liz and went for a walk, we got frozen twix bars.  I love walking with my's where she shares all her secrets with me.  I value this time with her, soon she will not have time for me, at least until she grows up and has babies then I know she will have plenty of time for me.  I guess I am going through a baby fix.  When Mark and I were out at the camper, we saw this grandma with her grandaughters playing full clothed in the lake.  The 1 year old was having a blast, she was very head strong and keep falling in face first, didn't even stop her from going back for more, her laughs of delight made me giggle.  Can't wait to be a grandma for real!  I found out last night one of the reasons why I don't see Mark's son's boy.  I guess his wife is letting the guy she got pregnant with Jacob (My stepson adopted Jacob right after his birth, was there for the birth)mother be the other grandma.  During my walk I stopped to talk with a neighbor and she works with this other grandma, Tracy brings Jacob over there every weekend.  Wow, I guess maybe I am too normal for this whole thing, or maybe I am not pushy.  Who knows?  All I know it explains a lot.  Jeremy's mom (Mark's ex) is very pushy with Jeremy and Tracy's life and how they live it, so I guess they really don't have time to add another person.  I was hurt for a while but now that I know the facts I can deal with this situation, besides everything always works out for the best.  At least that's been my experience.  There will be more grandkids and more time to be with them.  I am over this whole thing, I just find it very odd that Tracy would still include someone who really isn't part of this kid's life, unless she was already close to this lady which is possible.  I just feel bad for the other grandma, because I know she is already trying to compete with Mark's ex and I learned a long time ago the competition isn't worth it and you can't buy a kid's love.  I just continue to be me and not sweat the small stuff.  Ah I feel better now.

Going to get some stuff done, the girl that enrolled me in my home based biz called me this morning and gave me a pep talk to here I go!  Loves....

Sunday, July 18, 2004

it's sunday....

Oh how I love to listen to my hubby hanging out with my boys!  Makes me so happy to feel the love that happiness when they are together!  Sometimes I think my kids treat Mark better than his own kids do!  But my kids were raised by women (mom and me) not a pack of wolves like his boys mom...j/k their mother is ok.  Mark and often discuss our past lives and he still swears that  they never fought in front of the kids, which I say, then why aren't you two still together if it was such bliss???  He is a lot better at not denying the past than he once was.  I guess sometimes it's difficult to see your own faults...I know it is for me.  When I first got sober I had an awesome sponsor who basically ripped my eyes open to see the truth about me and my faults...I still sometimes have a hard time seeing myself honestly but it's getting better.

We had a pretty good weekend my boys had a bit of blow out because their step mother loves to speak for their father and she isn't always accurate she said some things to Tim and I regarding Eric and that sort of created a problem...we talked that out though.  The graduation party was fine.  And then we spent an awesomely peaceful night at the camper and I actually got some sun today...I can't believe how white my legs are, I tan very easily and tanning just hasn't been on my top ten of things to do.  Oh well had a nice weekend, took a walk and now I am going to relax...(do some laundry and dishes, that's relaxing for me!!) and get ready for the week ahead, I am going to put some short term goals down...and post them on the frig, I hear doing that will help you get motivated....til bye

Saturday, July 17, 2004


Yeah!  It's Saturday, kind-a cloudy, but my mood isn't.  Went with Eric (19) to the Ford dealer and after his month long search he finally got a car, it's a 2005 Focus and he got it all on his own!  No co-signer!  He had the downpayment and everything.  I am so proud of him.  He didn't do well last year in college, didn't pass and now is going to take come junior college classes, live in a apartment that he had set up before he realized he wasn't going back to NIU, so it's junior college, it's a long story.  His real dad (we divorced when he was a baby)  has always given both him and Tim whatever they wanted,  now now he wants to play hardball and put conditions on things...but I am his mother, and Eric is nearly a man...and he and his father will have to work all this out.  I will be supportive, but I can't do everything...I really am having an easier time letting least for today.  Otherwise we have a graduation party to go to this afternoon and Mark is working until 3:00.  So I need to get my stuff done this morning instead of 5 minutes before he gets home like I ususally do!  We are going to try and spend the night at the camper.  The graduation party is Mark's son Matt's girlfriend.  I like Brandy, had a hard time with her when they were dating in high school, but now she is a college grad and grown up she appreciates me more.  She didn't like the fact that I had rules.  Funny now that's what she likes about me now!  She has a hard time with Mark's ex wife, so that makes it easier on me.  Mark's ex loves to put on a show, and I am not saying I am perfect but I do try to let things go...yeah right, it takes a long time for me to let things go, but at least I have a clue!  Oh well I signed on to this when I married Mark so I guess I will be dealing with this forever as the boys all are beginning to grow up and have families.  At least I know I'll be able to spend time with Matt and Brandy's kids when they get married and have them, because Brandy likes me...ah life...doesn't get better than this.

Here's my new thought process...affirmations...I am having ALL my needs met today...I am healthy, my family is too, I am well off spiritually, mentally, physically, financially, I am right where I need to be...I am loved!!  And I love my family and I will make sure they ALL know it by my thoughts, deeds and actions.  AND most of all God loves me.  AMEN!  Here's to an awesome day!

Friday, July 16, 2004


It's finally Friday!  Crazy couple of days.  Wednesday I went to the IRS to make our payment and got the address mixed up.  I am such a pig head that I heard the address one way, then thought I knew where I was going and was on the wrong street!  It's VERY congested out there lots of traffic and it took me FOREVER to find it.  Thank God for air conditioning and Liz being with me.  I finally called and got the right address, was there less than a minute and on my way.  That night I went to a meeting in the city (Chicago) for my home business, needless to say it was awesome...very motivating.  I did a lot of driving that day.  Then yesterday I had to work and drove 90 miles for that route, whew, I was pooped last night.  Too much stress!  Not bad, but tiring.   I am not used to all that driving, but I am glad I was able to drive the school bus, keeps me on my toes.  I liked the monitor that was with me, she's a talker just like I am...:).  She was telling me about her son how he lost his job because new owners bought out the company and they forced him to resign.  The story ended up well in that he found a better job, with more pay and better hours and they even treat him better!  I told her isn't amazing how we are taken care in life, one door closes and another one opens...we must trust that God knows what's best for us even if we don't always see it with our little human eyeballs.  That is how I have to see my life and it sure is  nice not to be in such a worrying mode.  Whelp going to get some work done, I need to go to the bank and then I am going to pick up some food for the weekend...going to the trailer again.  Then I need to stop and get my insurance paperwork from the admin office at the school district.  have a nice day!

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

ahhhhhhh confusion

here i am again sitting all alone at home following myself around the house.   i wonder if my problem is hormones, because i don't seem to be getting anything done. or just plan lack of discipline.  i sometimes wish I was my husband and then i could go to work everyday come home to a clean house, a meal on the table and then sit and do nothing - watch that's what i am doing now!  but i have to be responsible for paying the bills, getting the food, cleaning the house, mowing the lawn, and cleaning the house,  ick, right now i am avoiding calling one of my creditors, i have had to do it in the past and there is usually no problem, but i just hate having to continually clean up our messes.  not only am i responsible for my kids, which i shouldn't be because they are young adults, but everything else.  no wonder i feel so lazy.  i guess i just want to stop being responsible, but i know i can't.  i took a long walk this morning basically had to drag my fat dog down the street, but it was good.  it looks like rain now.  i did make a list this morning and i actually have done some of the things on the list.  better get off this computer and do some more, then i will be free! it's already 1:30 and i need get this list done!  ok no more excuses here i go....ok addition...did my list called the dreaded creditor called THE IRS!!!!  nice as usual, but i have to drive to pay my payment, but a small price to pay to make the government happy. . . i am soooooooo happy that our business (truck) is almost gone, and we are now law abiding, "getting our taxes out of our pay checks like everybody else" citizens.  1099 and self employment taxes stink!  we will get killed on the sale of our truck, but the pain and agony will be well worth it.  luckily for us mark's job is paying well and he has a lot of hours, plus i will be back at the school bus driving next month....with a pay increase thanks to the union...oh yeah another addition to my list need insurance forms.  i am glad i got my list done, but is it really ever down?  some lists are easier than list of stuff to take on vacation those lists i like...this list was an icky list, but ah it's done...feel much better now that i got all that icky stuff done.  i have always believed hard things only get harder if you wait.  try to live by that...and another relief, village guy tried to give me my neighbor's shut off notice for her water, oops, thank you God it's not us...we were able to pay that bill...God truly is grand!  she probably just forgot....but that another i can do some housework and make myself sit down and call for my home's to getting busy...

Monday, July 12, 2004


I am feeling so much more hopeful and better.  Got up and took the dogs for a long walk, I MISS MY WALKS!!  Walking has always been my escape, even as a little kid I used to close my eyes and see how far I could walk.  And when I  was a single mom working for the most boring office job ever, I would walk at lunch time.  I called it my sanity hour.  I am making a date with myself to walk everyday. 

Then did some errands.  I had to borrow money from my Eric, as our check probably won't get here until tomorrow.  Thankfully I have good sons who so willingly help me.  But that's the circle thing because as Mark says I baby my children.  So what if I do I am  their mother.  I really don't baby them too awful bad, beside Mark should talk I really baby him.  Then I pulled some weeds and finished mowing the grass.  When I was out I got some primer our poor old house needs paint so bad.  Our house was built in 1860, and I love this old needs work, but it's so comfortable and it's home.  Boy it's getting hot too, a good old July summer with humidity and everything!  We had a nice weekend.  Matt took Mark golfing and then we went to the trailer.  There was only one other family there so we had the place to ourselves.  We are pretty boring though mostly slept.  Gotta get a fishing pole so we can at least do that.  I am going to plan a family picnic for this summer, get all the kids together without their mother.  I am tired of always having to visit Mark's kids with her either "popping in" or already there.  Ugh must be pitiful to not have a life that you have to run your kids lifes too!  I hope I don't get like that.  Don't think I will because I am looking forward with my alone time with Mark.  We have never been alone, always kids here there and everywhere.  But that's ok.  Remembered to watch my favorite TV preacher last night, it was the last 5 minutes of the sermon, but I got the idea,  YES GOD I GOT THE POINT!!  God wants to open His blessing to us but we must believe we deserve them...and be open.  Said a prayer to be open.  I am trying very hard to stay out of the mood I have been this past week, all depressed and sleepy,but maybe I just needed to be feeling that way to save up my energy for today, July awesomeday in the life of Rosemarie is what I make it and it is grand.  Loves..Rose

Thursday, July 8, 2004

hey there

Hey there I am feeling so happy today!  Put out flyers on mailboxes for work to get the word out about the school district wanting to subcontract out our jobs.  Felt like my paperboy days...I delivered newspaper for 6 years and the memory of that felt a-ok, but would not want to go back to that job!  NO days off and NO sleep, I was a crabby witch EVERYDAY!  Gotta get the word out to the community...I love my job and would not want to lose all my benefits and pay or those awesome kids.  God will take care of it.  Like today my stepson, Dustin was missing.  He is the one that has always been babied by Mom and Dad, he and I really never have gotten along because he thinks I am too strict, he is one of two that I have never raised.  He decided he didn't feel well so rather than go to work he went to the train station and took a nap.  He works with my Mark and his brothers for a construction company.  They found him 5 hours later.  Wow and I thought Mark was worried when the dogs went missing!!  But logic won out.  Like with the dogs, who we knew wouldn't go too far, because one of them is too fat, not that Dustin is fat, but if he had been in an accident someone would have called his mother.  It is so comforting to know that God is truly watching out for my loved ones and I don't have to be on "duty" constantly worrying about them.  AMEN!  God is so awesome!  Mowed the lawn and really felt like I did something today! ***ME***

Wednesday, July 7, 2004


Why oh why can not life be easy!!!!!!  I guess I make more out of things than need be.  I realize that I picked this life for myself...why else would I marry a man with 5 kids????  And have 3 of my own?????  Had to put up this simple picture of teenage "love" so that I can remember why I love my own husband.  Being the age I am I can be very moody, so again today I was fighting with my "inner" demons.  Today I forgot Mark's birthday and when he reminded me of it I was sorry.  I was really working on being grateful and happy.  I asking God to save me from my worries as we are still in processes of getting our financial house in order, then I get a call from Mark's insurance lady, seems we owe MORE MONEY for the truck used while his was down.  I was quite irrated to say the least.  Typing this and getting it out there is really helping, but I am getting sick and tired of having to be put in this spot.  Mark says he's sorry he put me through all this money, job, business stuff, but even though he has a new job, and his truck is fixed, it still is sitting in the garage, NOT being sold, NOT being advertised NOT being anything but a GIANT hunk of wheels and metal.  I know Mark is trying, but he's glaring defect is his procrastination...drives me nuts AND if I want to be psychological about the whole thing I know that is the thing that most bugs me about me.  I see the whole mirror thing, been through enough therapy to know it, and even feel it.  I know enough to tell him I am irrated, now going to give it to God and trust that HE will fix this....ahhhhh, now it's time to get busy and do something anything constructive, AA taught me many things and one was action baby action, give the problem to God and then go do something postive, and God knows I have plenty to do  that I have put off....AMEN thank God for this journal...feeling better already.  LOVES ROSE  

Tuesday, July 6, 2004


happy birthday...i did not know journals were so young!!!

Is it Monday or is it Tuesday??

Usually after a long weekend I feel energized, but I only feel out of sorts and looking for a place to start.  1st off my weekend was great!  Dale ended up getting 3 root canals so I was right!! He did need to be with his mother (who has the insurance for now) and could better handle this problem.  Glad that's over, but he still can't seem to follow the rules here, he ended up spending most of the long weekend over there at his mom's which is good because that's one less kid that I have to worry about.  Where we camp is only 20 minutes away so Saturday night we had to come back because my 2 dogs escaped, the big one hates fireworks and my neighborhood was like a homemade bomb factory.  We found one after 2 hours of looking and when we gave up and decided to go back to the campground the other one was standing at the back door smiling!!  Dogs!  Hard to figure them out.  I was proud of Eric though he and Tina looked all over with us.  Then we came back the next day to watch the fireworks.  They were AWESOME!  All and all the camping trip was very relaxing, got to listen to some drunken fights which is always a great reminder of how I used to be.  God loves to remind me!  Yesterday we sort of just relaxed again.  I am having a hard time getting my act together today.  I am going to finish this and then take the dogs for a walk to clear my head.  I really need to get back on the phones to get my home business going.  I have some goals I have not met and really need to get on it.  I also have some calls I have to make for work...we are still fighting subcontracting by the district.  And I am supposed to put out flyers.  Kind of hard with no car.  Mark has the car because the truck has a bent rim...long story.  I am also very proud of Mark he got his semi all put back together and it should be sold before the month is over!  Oh well going to make a list and start at what's first and do what I can.  I have a few other things to do like cleaning and calling for Dale's senior pictures...need to set those up.  Oh well, here we go....won't get anything done sitting here now will I????  love, me

Saturday, July 3, 2004

here we go again!!!

HERE WE GO AGAIN!!  Once again I am having to put up with my stepson causing problems and talking back to me.  This the 5th son of my husband's and there is a HUGE pattern of these boys back talking EVERY one of their parents.  He is living with us because mother could not control him.  He's mad at me because he lost a filling in his tooth and I told him to go to the dentist he normally goes to, which would mean his mother would have to take care of it.  He's been at her house off and on since this tooth thing started 2 weeks ago.  IT IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY!!!  He just wants his way and now he is angry with me because I told I didn't like the way he talked to me.  But he didn't win because he called his mom and now I guess she is taking care of this.  I have been responsibile for all the other problems he has had, including school which he did not pass 2 classes and I had to spend a day chasing down couselors in the summer to get his scheduled changed.  Now I am the bad guy because I told him again that I could not get into a dentist that he wasn't already seeing.  Reality check gang...but the kids rarely live in reality it's all about money, things and scamming.  It's a shame because Dale has awesome potiential he is just been allowed to scam for so long that it is his way.  Just had to get that off my chest.  It never fails when things start to straighten out BOOM!!!  Here come life.  Good thing I don't drink anymore I would be sitting down at the bar...and what good would that do?? Make things worse.  God works in all areas He will work here to.  My prayer?  God thank you for this child, you must trust me enough to know what I am doing concerning him or he wouldn't be in my life, Thanks God, amen  Love Rose


It's Saturday...the house is quiet.  Finally ... finished the Government  paperwork to get the loan for Tim for school  I don't know why I always and I mean always take forever to do this.  It was easier than in years past, but it is probably because I had all the info I needed on hand.  AND I only have to file for 1 kid.  I won't get any aide, but I still have to fill this out to get Tim's loan.  YEA! it's the last year for Tim, he will graduate next summer.  Boy does time fly! 

Liz's play was good last night...she seemed happy with the way it turned out.  In the play they were talking about Blogs, and how they are the wave of the future, that everybody who is anybody will have an online Journal.  One of the characters said, "why would you have your journal out in the public aren't they supposed to be private?"  No getting your thoughts out there in the universe makes them real.  And that forces me to take action.  I guess I am part of a trend!  Saw Eric's 1st grade teacher, again time flies!  I want to enjoy this weekend, it's supposed to rain, but who cares we will be in a camper and there's a pig roast today...hope we make it in time!  Probably won't be around for the  rest of the weekend so HAPPY 4th of JULY!!

Gotta go buy supplies!  Love Rose :)

Thursday, July 1, 2004

Whoo hoo almost the weekend

Worked today as a monitor.  It's hot and humid here so the air conditioned bus felt good.  Have to work again tomorrow afternoon.  I never say no to work...bad, bad karma...God gives me opportunities I must take them.  My boys had a fight last night...not fist fight, never fists, but they are so different and they aggravate each other sometimes.  Tim thinks Eric is irresponsible and Eric thinks he is never told anything by their dad.  Tim felt he always has to rescue or cover for Eric.  I have to remind them that they are both different people and at different stages in their lifes.  The big thing is they were basically raised to fit their roles.  Nobody did it on purpose just the way things worked out at the time.  Growing up is hard, but I am glad now that I am able to help them sort this stuff out...although I wish I could fix them both...I know in my head I cannot, but my heart...says...I guess that why God made me a MOM :)  They will both be ok.  I am trying to enjoy the process of watching my whole family grow up.  Life is too short not to. . .